How to Love Yourself Unconditionally

Photo by Geilan Malet-Bates on Unsplash

I hosted a podcast called Health Matters where I interviewed leading health experts. Adam Luckey is a minister and coach of the gospel of Jesus Christ. He loves to be friends with Jesus. He has a real passion to see others walk in divine health, spirit, soul, and body. Adam is a personal trainer and loves to incorporate his experience to help people obtain lasting weight loss transformation.

What is self-love?

“I’ve meditated on this a lot, and I definitely don’t have the “one size fits all’ definition but I do have my perspective on what it means. To me it means just really seeing ourselves, relating to ourselves, the way the Father does, relating to ourselves emotionally, physically, our self-image, and understanding our worth the way God, our Heavenly Father, does.

A lot of the time this is a struggle for Christians because we think it’s selfish to love ourselves. We’re always putting everyone else first and we forget that we need to relate to ourselves in the way that God relates to us.

So, my simplest definition would be just loving myself the way God loves me. Nothing more, nothing less.

How would you say God loves us?

A lot of times we have this image of God and perception of God that is more like our earthly fathers that weren’t so perfect.

And we have these projections we put on God, and we think He’s just like our earthly dad. But just going through life renewing our mind, pursuing the King, pursuing His love and seeking a deeper understanding and revelation of this love really helps us get free from all those lies about who God is.

How would you describe God’s love?

To me, the way I receive God’s love is not based upon my own behavior.

For so long I lived in a way that I was trying constantly to earn this love. Subconsciously, I wasn’t trying to strive and earn His love, I was just trying. We’re raised in a very performance-oriented culture where when you do good you get good. So when you are worthy of this love by your performance, then you’re able to receive love.

For so long I related to God the Father as well. I only felt worthy of receiving this love if I was praying for people out on the streets, sharing my faith every day. But it’s honestly just left me in a place that I just didn’t believe that I was worthy of His love.

When I would do good, I would feel good. But when I wasn’t praying, I didn’t feel very good about myself. I wouldn’t love myself. I’d be very hard on myself. I’d feel very condemned like I wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough for God to love. I wasn’t worthy.

I remember having these series of encounters in prayer where the Father began to show me that His love is just pure and unconditional. No matter what I do His love is going to stay the same towards me. This unconditional love and acceptance that I was trying so hard to earn, He was giving me freely.

And what helped me understand that was the Gospels — the Good News that we are in Christ. The Good News that the Father loves us the same exact way that He loves His Son, Jesus Christ.

And because of the Gospel, and because of the work of Jesus Christ on the cross — His death, burial, and resurrection — I am now in Him, as it talks about all throughout the New Testament.

We are in Christ. We are new creations. All old things have passed away. It is that foundation that I am in Him that I can receive this love too.

And that was the key for me, that I am loved the same exact way that Jesus is loved. I’m no longer looking to my performance to find out whether or not I’m worthy but I’m looking at what Jesus has done to determine my worth.

So it’s this beautiful thing. The Gospels, it’s such a beautiful thing, a mystical thing that we are in Christ. That’s the way that I receive His love. Knowing that I’m in Him and I’m worthy simply because of what He’s done. And it has nothing to do with my performance and my behavior.

What are some practical ways to love ourselves?

I believe the Gospel is practical. I believe God is very practical and loves for us to implement and go after things in a very real way instead of some esoteric, mystical religious way that has no power in our life.

One of the ways that I have found that has helped me really learn to love myself is spending time just looking at myself in the mirror and speaking love over myself.

The Bible says there is life and death in the power of the tongue. And for so long I talked to myself — my self talk was so negative. If I talked to my friends the way I talked to myself they wouldn’t be my friends.

Usually we are our own worst critics, right? We’re the ones beating ourselves up, telling ourselves that we’re not good enough. “I didn’t do enough today, or I’m not worth it.” So to actually take time and learn to relate to yourself (and for me that was practically looking at myself in the mirror) in the morning or at night, and just speaking over myself saying, “Adam you’re a son of God. You’re a beloved son. You are worth the love of God. No matter what you do you are so completely loved and accepted.”

I would just begin speaking these things and something would shift in my heart. I was no longer seeing all the critical things about myself. And I was no longer seeing my lack, or what I didn’t have, but because I was intentional about looking at myself deeply in the eyes and looking at my soul and saying, ‘God paid the price so you could be one with Him.’ My value began to rise. I began to feel better about myself.

It may be uncomfortable sometimes but just pushing through, pushing past the uncomfortableness, and looking at yourself and declaring truth. Speaking the love of God over yourself.

Another way is journaling. I know writing has a powerful effect. It’s helped me get all my jumbled thoughts out of my brain and onto paper.

And also, it’s just a way to hear God’s voice. We’re all His children. We all hear His voice. The Bible says that we’re His sheep and we’ll follow His voice. A stranger’s voice we won’t follow.

For me, that looks like sitting down and taking time in the morning or the evening. What’s best for me is usually in the morning and just asking the Father, What do You think about me today? What do You feel about me today? How do You feel?

I need to be reminded. I can easily forget how much He loves me, how amazing and how vast His love that He has for us. I want to be so conscious and aware of this love that He has for me because when I’m filled up I can give love to others.

So journaling, asking what He thinks, and then expecting an answer. Expecting that He is going to speak to you. I’ll start writing what I think God’s saying over me. ‘You’re a good son.’ Or, ‘You’ve done a good job lately.’

Whatever you feel like God’s saying, take the time to journal it. You’ll be surprised at the thoughts you have of what He is saying over you. It’s really encouraging. I highly recommend those two things for sure.

How has learning to love yourself transformed your life?

I struggled a lot with this rejection complex. Always constantly feeling like I had to earn acceptance. The feeling like I couldn’t really speak my mind at social events or parties or any gathering.

I just didn’t feel like I could truly be myself. I couldn’t express myself because I believed a lie. “What if people don’t like me? I need to make sure that I’m doing everything I can do to get people to like me so I don’t get rejected.”

A lot of these beliefs happened in my own childhood. It’s usually how these limiting beliefs come into our life through childhood experiences and my dad was divorced a few times growing up. I developed this belief system that I wasn’t really worth love. My omm left. Not blaming them, I’ve forgiven them and everything is good but I still carried that underlying belief system that I wasn’t worthy of love.

I couldn’t truly be myself because if I was truly myself and people still didn’t like me, that would equal ultimate pain. That was a huge struggle of mine. I battled that for years.

But as I started learning about the Father’s love, I started seeing who He was, I was able to start loving myself the way He loved me. And that was so beautiful.

In your worst moment His love moves closer to you. He’s not like our earthly relationships. He’s not offended, He’s not afraid of your negative emotions, He’s not afraid of those things. And that’s what helped me in that moment. Just realizing I’m loved, I’m accepted.

Wow, I can’t do anything to get God to leave me alone. He’s going to be there with me no matter what I do. And that gave me such a confidence that I didn’t have to strive for this love. I didn’t have to jump through every hoop to get this love. That transformed my life.

In my relationship with God, I feel more peace. I feel more relaxed where I’m not trying to perform and to pray 10 hours to get love. I’m already loved. It’s given me a foundation of acceptance.

Even in my personal relationships I feel more free to speak my mind. I’m not afraid of them rejecting me because even if they did reject me I’m grounded and rooted in this love of God; rooted in this goodness of His love.

I learned to love myself the same way the Father loves me. I’m not striving for people’s acceptance. I’m not to please man. I’m not trying to get what I’ve already been given by the Father. It brings a lot of joy in my life when I conscious and aware of this reality of His love for me.

I’m not perfect. There are times where I still can partner up with the lies of the enemy that I’m not loved but it’s definitely not as bad as it used to be. I’m making progress in this. We’re all on a journey learning how to love ourselves. I hope that encourages some people out there. That’s a little bit of my story right there.”

Since speaking with Adam, I’ve paid more attention to my own thoughts on God’s love for me. I like to envision when God looks at me, He sees His Son, Jesus.

Although the podcast is no longer available, if you’d like a copy of any of the full interview transcript, please send me an email.

This has been an excerpt from the Health Matters Podcast, believing that prayer & Bible study are to the spirit what exercise and healthy eating are to the body.

Blessings on your journey to health.

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